Filmkid LLC

I’ve spent the better part of the last few days writing. Most of the time has been spent on Waiting for Waiting for Godot and the rest has been spent making notes for my new top-secret book idea which is hilarious and will make billions of billions of dollars. In the time spent on the former I’ve wrestled with one line in particular- the one mentioned in the title of this update: “I’m crowning here, sir!”

Crowning, as you may know, is a term used in childbirth to describe the moment a baby’s head can be seen through the vaginal opening.

(LATE WARNING: THIS POST MAY CONTAIN GRAPHIC CONTENT! Really, it’s going to get worse before it gets better…)

However, in the case of Waiting for Waiting for Godot it describes the moment a large piece of feces begins crossing the threshold of the anus despite one’s (in the case, the character of Vlad) best efforts to contain said feces.

To compare pooping to childbirth, as it turns out, is funny to no one but me. Everyone at the reading, my producing partner, and several people who’ve read the script for me have ALL expressed their opinions on the line- none of them favorable.

The reason I even bring up the line’s demise is that I feel it should exist somewhere after I cut it out of the script, and for those who feel the line is over the top here, I present for you the original draft of the scene in Waiting for Waiting for Godot in which the line would have appeared, maybe afterwards you’ll see what great restraint I showed in cutting it down to only one tasteless pooping = childbirth line.

VLAD
I think I’m in trouble!

ETSY
Just go!

VLAD
We can’t leave! But seriously, this is a big one.

ETSY
Go!

VLAD
It’s like I’m having contractions!

ETSY
Will you please just go!

VLAD
I feel like I should have been offered an epidural.

Vlad grunts loudly.

VLAD
I’m crowning here, sir!

ETSY
GO!

…Vlad finally poops then returns to his seat next to Etsy…

ETSY
Do you feel better now?

VLAD
I think I have post pardum depression.

Doesn’t seem so bad now- does it?